Dear Caregivers,

Why is it so difficult to ask for or receive help? When we need it the most, it seems so much harder to let someone help. Our family was fortunate to be surrounded by amazing family and friends. At any given time, I could have asked for help, yet I didn’t. I felt so bad asking--or even accepting the kindness that was offered. When someone did something nice for us, I usually felt guilty that I was seen as falling behind or not doing enough. The only person thinking this was me, myself, and I. I didn’t want to be the person who didn’t take her caregiving seriously enough or do it well enough.

About a year or less before he passed away, my husband Jim could no longer get comfortable enough to sleep. The growth of bone mets caused him significant discomfort. I was so worried about him not getting enough rest that I posted one evening on social media asking for a used recliner that had the extra reclining and lift controls. I woke up the next morning to find out that my niece had started a GoFundMe campaign that raised enough money in one single night to pay for a new chair for Jimmy!

We went to a specialty shop that fawned over Jim. They helped him pick fabric, a massage feature, seat warmer and padding in just the right areas to bring him relief from pain. He looked the happiest I had seen him in a long time. As he was trying out a floor model, with a smile and a look of hope on his face, I ran to the bathroom and cried my eyes out. I cried because this was the most amazing thing that had happened to us in a long time. Hope was running low, but the idea that he could be comfortable was all we wanted. I cried because I was scared of what was coming up in our future, and I cried because I realized how many people already knew what I felt--that Jim was amazing. He deserved this and more. Then, if I am honest with myself, I was also crying because I had not let more people be a part of his health issues. I had chosen to spare them the difficult stuff because I had believed it was my job to see to his care. I stayed in the restroom a long time while they worked out the details of the fancy chair. I stayed in there pulling myself together, letting go of how tightly wound I was keeping myself. As I composed myself, I decided to clean the bathroom because, let’s be honest, it was a chair factory, and it needed the sink washed and the mirror cleaned. I added paper towels and toilet paper from their closet for the next crying lady or gent.

This glorious gift of the chair changed Jim’s life for the better in so many ways. Our families, our friends, our neighbors, and his coworkers all loved him, and I had been denying them opportunities to show up for him. I invited people over more often to see us. I asked friends to grab groceries or give me a ride home from the hospital if Jim was admitted and I was too tired to drive home. I asked people to go see him at the hospital. I literally opened the door to allow love, compassion, friendship, and family in.

When that chair was delivered, Jim rarely rested anyplace else. He slept and read in it. He would talk to his friends on the phone as long as they would stay on the line. He loved the massage on his sore back, and the recliner was great for him while he was hooked up to IV’s. Those last few months were easier because of that chair. I am still comforted by the love that chair represents.

November 29th marks six years since Jim passed away, and Jim’s dear friend called, remembering the date, to ask if he could come by and take care of anything around the house. Two buddies are coming over to fix a gate and to service our generator. It felt nice to say yes. If you feel like it is too much of a burden to ask for a ride or ask someone to stop at a shop for you or give you a break, please remember this: you will be allowing others to love their friend...and I mean you. You are important, and people want to be there in small ways or for bigger asks. You will never regret allowing help where it is needed. You will always look back with gratitude and feel a willingness to help others in return. Please ask!

You can also reach out to me at karalynfaulkner@thehealingnet.org if you need help finding services in your area to make your life easier. I would love to help.